ellie_50

I would just like to say that I have the most amazing girlfriend in the entire world.
I would also like to say that I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.



I love you.

i am going to change.
i am going to be more appreciative and less judgemental.
i am going to be nicer to everyone.
i am going to be more respectful to others.
i am going to stop holding grudges.
i am going to start acting my age.
i am going to start drawing/writing again.
i am going to give ashley the world.
i am going to change so i can provide for her.
i am going to do well in school so i can support her.
i am going to do whatever i can to marry her.
this is going to be the start of a new me.
it's so cliche, but i don't give a shit.
i'm gonna change.


....for you.

so i'm back at school. i am not too sure how i feel about being back already, but it is what it is and there's really nothing i can do about it. the past two days fucking SUCKED but i think it's because i knew that i was leaving home and leaving ash for a while. i hate being away from her. yesterday especially sucked. it was a long freaking ride coming here (TO AN EMPTY BUILDING). thank god one of the new RA's is normal. the other one knits for fun; she's fucked. but last night i kind of broke down. i'm not exactly sure why. maybe i'm homesick already, maybe i miss ashley already, maybe it was that one thing that keeps getting brought up.... i don't know what it is, but i just feel like something is missing, like something isn't right. i think i feel kind of betrayed.

it's so easy to forgive the people you love and put things behind you, but it's harder to forget about the actions. i know it wasn't on purpose, and i know it meant nothing... but it just hurts.

i don't really know what i'm trying to say.
i just hate petty lies, and i think that's what's getting to me.
i love you so much, ash, i just wish you were here to hug me and tell me it won't happen again in person.

i miss you more than you know. and i can't wait to spend the rest of forever with you.
please keep your promise because i don't know if i can handle it being broken.
i love you.

i have never ever ever been so happy. i never thought that it was possible fr me to always want to be around one person. normally i get sick of someone if i spend too much time with them... but not this time. the last thought in my mind at night is her, the first thought in my head in the morning is her.... every single thought throughout my day relates to her in one way or another. i am so completely head over heels in love with her. everything that she does for me makes me happy. every car ride, every dinner/lunch/brunch, every movie, everything - i have never felt more loved. even just hanging around her house or my house or my dorm room all day long is so special. the kisses on the forehead and the nose, the random hugs, feeling her arm wrap around my waist in the middle of the night - all of that give me butterflies and make me love her more. there is nothing in this world that she could do to make me angry. it's never been more perfect being alive, and it's all thanks to her. and i finally know what happy is. 

It's waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. You turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent, and vulnerable state. They breathe as though the weight of the world lays on anyone's shoulder but their own. You smile, kiss their face in the most gentle manner so as not to wake them. You turn back around and an involuntary grin forms on your own face. You feel an arm wrap around your waist, and you know it doesn't get any better than this.

Ashley, I love you so much and I can't wait to spend the rest of forever with you... NO MATTER WHAT. <3

 

So Hanukkah starts tonight and this is the first time in all twenty years of my life that I won't be home for ANY of it.  I won't be home to light candles with my family.  I won't be home to have latkes with my family.  I won't be home at all. I can't help but feel really upset about it because I can't even light my own candles here in my room because "It's a fire Hazard." Fuck SUNY Cortland.

wow, i havent written in here in quite a while. i think the last time was ashley's birthday. turns out i was sad for only a little bit because people kept asking me why i wasn't there. i got mad at charles, but my residents knew i was upset and didn't let me frown. especially courtney. i love those girls. but then i went home for a root canal and ash was there and my mom knows now and blah blah blah. nothing really spectacular has happened.

actually, i lied. something spectacular DID happen. Ash and i became closer. how? i have no idea. i didn't even think it was possible, but guess what? it was. there is something about that girl that makes me want to run around laughing and smiling and screaming. in a good way. i look at her and i just want to melt - i am so head over heels in love with her. it's crazy. and i love it.

i have to go get ready for class now, but i just felt like letting everyone know (again) how in love with ashley i am.
love you polar bear <333

So I called Ashley when I woke up like I promised and her mom, and Nick and her dogs were there (I don't know if Julie was there), and I felt like such an asshole for not being there. And then Ash put her mom on the phone for a little and she started giving me all these nicknames that made me giggle, but then she said, "You're not coming to see Ashley?" and it stung like someone slapped me. And when I said that I wanted to, I just didn't have enough money to buy a train ticket, I feel like it was a horrible excuse and I just couldn't stop myself from crying on the phone so I got off as quickly as possible... I don't want to ruin her birthday weekend. And last night Ashley said that there was nothing I could do about it... and that hurt soo badly because as true as it is, I don't want to hear that. I don't know I'm just really upset and pissed at myself and the world.. I have no desire to do anything right now but sit here and watch movies.

I wish I was there SO badly. I hate this so much I am never spending money on stupid shit again. I can't believe I bought the BSB cd on iTunes. I'm such a fucking idiot.. that was the last time I'm ever going to spend my money on something I don't need because this is what happens. It's 2:23 pm and I think I'm just going to go back to sleep. The more I sleep, the faster this weekend goes by and the less I have to hear about how much of a great time everyone is having in Plattsburgh. And that also means that no one else can ask me why I'm not there and being a the girlfriend that I'm supposed to be. Ugh. This sucks. I seriously don't think I can feel any worse right now.

So I should be at Ashley's right now. But I'm not because I'm an idiot.  I hate the fact that everyone (her best friends and her family) are going to be there and I'm not going to. I'll be stuck here writing a fucking paper for ESL.  There's nothing else I can say about it except that I'm totally devastated that Nancy said "I'm going to be there no matter what" or something along those lines... and so did I, but I won't be there. And EVERYONE else will. LDKJFLKFJNSGF.

Tonight I'll be on duty for three hours so maybe that will distract me.. and then tomorrow I'll hang out with Court Clay so she'll keep me occupied and on my toes so I'm not too sad. We're supposed to go to the mall in syracuse tomorrow, we'll see how that goes.

I skipped ESL today because I just didn't feel like going. I need to stop doing that because pretty soon my teacher will realize that I only go into class when we have to hand something in or we're expecting something back. She hasn't caught on yet because I still have an A in her class. I love her but what an idiot.

I don't really have much else to say for now. Maybe I'll watch a movie or get food or something. Who knows. Nah, I'm gonna draw some pictures to send to Ashley.. or maybe another letter, idk.  I talked to her about this but for some reason I can't get this thought out of my head... what if she forgets about me while everyone is there.... ugggghhh. I need to stop. I get mad at myself for even thinking things like that because I know she loves me, but I just hate feeling left out.

Arite enough of this, I'm getting upset.

So if I wasn't such an ass with spending money, I would be on the train on the way to see Ashley right now. Ugh. I really hate myself sometimes. Hopefully she gets the thing I sent her in the mail today or tomorrow. I have class in like fifteen minutes and I REALLY don't want to go.  I even had a dream that I missed it, that's how much I hate this class. It's the worst thing ever.  I think I might even have a quiz today, which really blows.  Whatever, tonight is Ugly Betty, and that's the only thing getting me through this rainy, yucky day.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I can't help feeling completely and utterly depressed.  Even the Golden Girls aren't making me giggle.  I think I'm just homesick.  This is the longest I've gone without going home and it really sucks.  I mean, I saw my family last weekend, but it's not the same as being home and sleeping in my own bed and seeing my little puppy.  I just miss Rockland so much and it scares the crap out of me. I'm almost 21, I should be able to handle things like this.  Ah I need Ashley so badly right now.

I don't know about rugby anymore, either.  I met a lot of the girls who play it here and they're either HUGE or all muscle. I'm not either. And everyone else who I tell about it says I'm making a big mistake by joining because I'm going to get my ass kicked.  Usually when people tell me that I can't do something it drives me to do it more, but for some reason it makes me just want to give up completely. Especially Andrew.  He just laughed in my face and told me that I was going to die during practice.  I don't know, I think maybe the lack of confidence from everyone else is making me feel this way.  I would love to play rugby but I kinda think I was doing it more for Ashley than for me. I just want to make her happy even if it means I'll get my ass kicked in the process.

I think I'm going to start walking to class so I can walk slowly and listen to my new Backstreet Boys CD... it's the only thing that has made me smile besides Ashley, and since I'm fresh out of Ashley here, BSB's the next best thing.

So my sister came to visit me this weekend.. and she came on Thursday.  I love my sister very much, but sometimes I forget how much of a difference three years can be sometimes.  When I was her age all I did on the weekends was go out and drink, and now that I'm a little older I got it out of my system.... not her. All she wanted to do was get drunk and all that fun stuff.  I don't have a problem with going out, so that Thursday we went out. She didn't like my friend's house so she left and went to my other friend's house - who I am not really a huge fan of lately.  I left the house I was at to see how my sister was doing.  When they left for the bars, Tamar and I went home (well, to my dorm room). On saturday we met with the entire family and it was nice except my asshole of a cousin left early because family obviously means nothing to him. sometimes i jsut want to smack the shit out of him. I have never hated a family member so much.  But then Saturday night my sister wanted to go out and i didnt feel well so i didn't mind staying in and picking her up when they went to the bars. Instead of calling me when they left, she went with them and wound up doing something SO stupid and embarassing that i won't even post here (even though you're the only one who reads this, ash <3).  Anyway, she's on her way home, I'm alone again and I'm actually kinda happy she's gone. I love her but she's such a pain in the ass. Kinda high-maintenance too... which i am the complete opposite of. It's annoying.

I miss Ashley so much and I can't even go see her for her birthday because I don't have enough fucking money. I hate it because I want to be there so badly... it's the first like, big celebration that we have together and I can't even be there to celebrate with her. It just sucks, there's really no other way to explain it.  If I used the cash and the money I have in the bank then I would be able to get a ticket to see her but then I would litterally have no money in my pocket for little necessities like laundry and food.  I just sometimes wish I was a little more mature about money and I wasn't such a moron. I used to spend so much money on crap that I didn't need... like alcohol. Or clothes. Or shoes. Everything. And the more I think about it, the more I think of how I could have either spent it more wisely or saved it so that I wouldn't be writing this fucking post about how I can't go see my girlfriend because I'm such a schmuck.

Aaah. I think I need to go outside for a breather... I'm getting myself all upset again and I definitely don't need to be reminded of how Ashley is going to turn 18 without me there to hug her and kiss her and tell her happy birthday.   The only thing that gets me through those thoughts is the conversation we had the other day.... and Ash, Baby, you know exactly which one I'm talking about.... only four years. That's all we have to get through.. and then we can spend every birthday together for the rest of our lives. I love you, Polar Bear <3

I'm gonna go get food and possibly come back to watch a movie or maybe read. I don't know. I should do work cuz I have a busy, busy week ahead of me. I just wish it was Thanksgiving already so I could just go home and be with my family and my dog.

Ok, for real now. Bye.

So I'm pathetic and I'm like, obsessed with Kim Stolz from ANTM cycle 5. It's very, very sad. But I love it ;)

Ashley might kill me if she knew that I was writing in here instead of studying, but she'll find out after my mid-term and she can yell at me all she wants. Doesn't matter.. it'll turn me on ;) Anyway, I just felt like taking a break from my english work to say that I will be sleeping alone for only two more nights because Ashley will be here TOMORROW (technically because it is 1:11 AM, which means it's Wed). So I'm super excited and I can't really concentrate on anything at all because all I can think about is my Baby Girl coming here and spending every single moment with me. AH. I love her so much.

Okay. Time for me to do some studying. I promised Ash I would study, and I will not ever break any of my promises.... especially if they were made to her. I love her.

Goodnight :)

Dear Ashley,
I wish you could see the sky the way I see it right now. I'm flying over France, way above the clouds. It's 10:30 PM at home which means it's about 5 AM here. I can just barely see hints of the sun coming up in the navy blue sky. The moon is so close to me that I feel like it is right outside my window and that I could lightly graze it with my fingertips if I stretched. I'm so high up that the sky is the clearest I have ever seen it, so every single star is glittering as if they were just created. Some of them have started to melt away into the oncoming dawn and below me the lights of cities sparkle through the clouds. I wish you could see how beautiful this world is from here. I always forget how majestic and sometimes even magical the night sky can be. Being a part of it, even for a few hours makes me feel even more greatful to be alive. The colors that I can see are so brilliant that I believe no painter could ever capture the sky's magnificance.  You know how I love thunderstorms? Well, I'm watching one from the other side of the clouds. I have never seen such beauty in lightning. There is total darkness except for the constant but gentle blink from the plane's wing. All of a sudden an angry cloud lights up in a firey rage, and flickers out just as fast as it came. I don't want to stop looking, I don't want to miss any of it.
Love always,
Ayelet

So Ashley is coming here in one week and I swear, it's one week too long.  I haven't seen her at all since August 23 and I miss her sooo much.  I seriously have never been so happy with anyone before.  I have said that before, I know, but this is different.  Aside from the obvious difference in this relationship, I have never been treated with such respect and love and ah.  She's just so amazing. And what makes this relationship different from any other I have been in, this one is not just lust.  We have only kissed ONCE yet we're still in love.  Everything that I have been through up until now was so worth it because I have never been happier with anyone in my life.  I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl and I can't wait until I can hug her. Ah that first three seconds when I see her are going to be soo amazing. 
Every night sucks because I am crawling into my bed all by myself... and she's not there to cuddle with me and to just be there when I wake up.  But at the same time, I love nighttime because it means it's one day closer to when I get to see her. I just want to be with her all the time. I want to feel her lips on mine. I want to feel her next to me. I want to wake up to her beautiful face every morning and fall asleep to her head on my shoulder every night.  I want to just lay with her and watch a movie. I want to raise a family with her. I want to marry her.

Ashley, I love you SO much, Baby Girl. Nothing and NO one will ever change that. I could lose all my friends and my money and my things, but as long as you're in my life, I could care less.  You are my everything, Ash, and I would do anything for you. October 11 can't come soon enough. <3

so today is the best day of my life. Ashley asked me out. and now she's my girlfriend. and i love her. ahhhh i don't even know what to write because i'm so freaking excited. and i'm happy. and i'm on the phone with her right now and all i want to do is squeeze through the little holes in my phone and kiss her all over her facee aaahhh!

i'm gonna go back to talking to her.
I LOVE YOU ASHLEY!

SEPTEMBER 8, 2007 2:08AM --- BEST DAY OF MY LIFE <3

I used to have one of these, but right now I feel that I need one just for myself.  I need a place to vent.  Here's why.

For as long as I can remember, I have always had an anger problem.  Things piss me off really fast, and they're not important things, either.  I have lost and almost lost some good friends due to my stubbornness.  The way I saw it was that if they coudln't handle me then they weren't worth the time.  But today when my mother was yelling at my sister, I lost my temper because my mother compared her to me.  Of course I lost my temper and started with my attitude.  My family tells me I have an attitude and I figured that it wasn't so bad because I have friends, I have had boyfriends, and people seem to like me.  But then I got frustrated and walked away from the argument.... and my sister basically told me that most people talk to me because they are scared of me.  They feel inferior to me and try in every way possible to be nice so that I don't lose my temper and give them my famous attitude.  It shocked and hurt me to know that my own family thinks so lowly of me, and I want to change. 

It's like the saying goes, "friends come and go, but family is forever."  I'm twenty years old.  I need to stop acting like I'm fifteen because I'm not.  Throwing hissy fits to get what I want and talking back to my mother is not only disrespectful and rude, but it is degrading and immature.  I don't consider myself to be an immature person at all, but now that I have been awakened to my apalling behavior, my immaturity scares the shit out of me.  I don't want to be that person who is stuck in the end with absolutely no one.  I'm kind of glad that my sister had the balls to tell me what a moron I am, and even though I'm hurt deeply by her words, I thank her for bringing it to my attention.

I especially want to use this journal to vent so that I don't take it out on the wrong people.... or any person in general.  Things for me are beginning to look up - this boy i have had a thing for for over two years has finally noticed me and we're this close to becoming an us. I don't want him to think that I am an immature, rude, intimidating woman.  I am going to start my teaching soon and even though I want to be seen as an assertive, strict teacher, I don't want the students to label me as the one classroom teacher everyone dreads having.  Right now I am headed in that path and I must steer away.

The way I see it, I'm at a fork in the road of my life.  I can (A), continue down the path that I've been walking and in doing so continue to hurt the ones that I love and care so much about, or I can (B) take the road less travelled for me and make a concious effort to change.  Obciously I choose the latter, but I don't think I can do this alone.  I do not want to seek therapy because I don't have the money and also because I find that believing in yourself and trusting yourself to achieve something can motivate anyone to reach any goal.  I just pray that this journal aids in my quest to become the sister, daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, friend, girlfriend that I need to be.

For anyone out there who has any bit of advice for me - anything at all - don't hesitate to contact me.  I can use all the help and support I can get.

Thanks.
-Ellie